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At one time, our family enjoyed playing the board game of LIFE. It was exciting to see
what you could do with your life in a few short hours. The obstacles along the way were
ones we laughed about: Taxes, Debts, Insurance.
The object of the game was to "win" and winning came from making all the
right choices . . . those that would affect the outcome of LIFE. It was actually fun to
see the challenges our fellow-players encountered that might let us get ahead of them just
a few squares or two. We laughed at their poor choices and were there to judge what it was
that put them in the mess they were in at that time.
This was a game based on taking risks and the risks were easy because the consequences
weren't real. We might "win." Or we could go for broke and lose the game. And if
this game of LIFE didn't work to our advantage, we could laugh about it and play it again
the next time with new consequences.
We've put the game away now. This game like MONOPOLY, BIG BUSINESS, and many others
probably wasn't intended to teach us lessons. But now that I think about it, I confess
that the game taught me more than I realized.
Life is about choices
Real LIFE is about choices that affect real outcomes. Sometimes we make good choices and
sometimes we make bad choices. And when we look back on the choice we made, we're not
always sure why we did it. Maybe it was a "gut" feeling. Maybe we had illusions
of grandeur. Maybe we were pressured by circumstances. Or maybe we just plain didn't give
a darn at the moment.
I think about that whole issue of choices when I think about my son's death by suicide.
What was it that prompted that choice? I will never know for sure. And then again maybe it
wasn't really a choice . . . maybe it was a thoughtless millisecond in time that resulted
in a fatal error. Sometimes we don't get second chances.
It's been five years since his death. Chad died on April 16, 1993, in his apartment
without the benefit of a second chance. I knew that someday I would write this journal
entry to share my pain and open the subject that is socially taboo. And I've always known
what my message would be.
Suicide is an ugly word that conjures up images of a person who is emotionally,
physically, spiritually, or mentally disturbed. While I admit that this may be an
underlying cause in many cases, I am now the first to say that I will never judge the
victim's actions.
Survivors of suicide bear the pain of this stigma and are often judged as contributors
to the outcome. They carry with them the life-long pain of their loved one's choice. They
live with questions that may never be answered. Their friends sometimes desert them at a
time when friends are crucial to existence. Survivors feel the whispers, see the turned
backs, and suffer the guilt of those "condemned." Do I really have that
"S" on a sign hanging around my neck? Maybe I do. But the "S" no
longer stands for Suicide to tip off my curious inquirers. It stands instead for
S-u-r-v-i-v-o-r.
How do we measure our heroes?
Who are we to determine right from wrong? People have killed themselves since the
beginning of recorded history. I don't believe that makes it right or wrong; but it does
show how fickle we are. We change our attitudes to fit the circumstance. History shows
that our attitudes have varied from age to age and from civilization to civilization. Here
are a few examples of suicide that we have historically condoned.
History
Did you know that historically, some of these choices resulted in death by suicide?
Suicide reached great numbers in Japan where it was embedded in religious and national
tradition. Compulsory suicide was a form of punishment meted out only to offenders of
noble birth. They could expiate their crimes and "save face" by dying at their
own hands rather than by the sword of the public executioner. Elaborate ceremonies
attended these rites. Voluntary hara-kiri was committed for revenge and for other reasons.
And in World War II, Japanese kamikaze pilots volunteered to fly their munitions-loaded
planes into enemy battleships.
Heroic suicide is most prevalent in cultures that have strong group ties and loyalties
to both country and religion.
Romance
We applaud stories of love and death, as long as they are stories. But how many times are
similar "stories" acted out in modern life?
Romeo and Juliet is a classic drama written over 400 years ago by William Shakespeare
about two young lovers caught between family rivalries and forces beyond their control.
Out of love for each other and the desire to be together forever, both Romeo and Juliet
take their own lives.
Euthanasia
And we demonstrate consideration for freedom of choice when it may suit our personal
conviction or gain. Tremendous advances in medicine now make it possible to sustain life
far beyond the time a person might ordinarily die. There are those who believe in active
euthanasia sometimes called "the right to suicide." 1 It is considered an issue
of personal freedom.
Euthanasia means "a good death." Passive euthanasia consists of withdrawing
extraordinary life-prolonging techniques such as intravenous feeding and resuscitation or
in not initiating such treatment when a situation appears hopeless.
Active euthanasia consists of administering increasing does of pain-relieving drugs
such as morphine until the dosage reaches a lethal level, or in injecting air into the
patient's veins, thereby actively contributing to the person's death. How do we evaluate
those choices? Whose right is it to evaluate these choices?
Religion and clergy
And finally, as humans, we pass the evaluation back to religion leaders asking them to be
the judge on the issue of suicide. Religion, too, has wavered hot and cold on the issue
perhaps proving that this is a spiritual issue set only for the Higher Courts.
When Christianity came into being, suicide was very common in Greece and Rome. It was
even encouraged. The early Christians apparently accepted the prevailing attitudes of
their era, particularly when persecution made life unbearable. Many early Christians
submitted to Roman torture and allowed themselves to be killed as martyrs.
Today, religion and clergy have attempted to clarify their position on suicide. Many
years ago a person who died from suicide was not allowed burial in the church. Today, as
we understand more about suicide, that position is changing. Clergy view the question of
suicide on both the theology level and consider the deep psychic causes and sociological
implications.
As humans we have attempted to impose sanctions on others. We give ourselves authority
to determine right from wrong. We judge others actions by the standards we've set. We
measure people's lives by the choices they've made. We consider right choices those that
result in happy relationships, contentment, profound success, miraculous discoveries,
wealth, fame, and heroism. I question: who are we to judge?
How to play the "Game of Life"
Playing the real game of LIFE requires planting both feet firmly on the ground and moving
them forward one step at a time. It requires focusing on goals both short-termed and
long-termed. It requires making decisions with conscious thought. One must focus forward
and never look back.
The real game of life means building new relationships all the time. Ones that are
meaningful from the heart. Not just those that are self-serving. And the game of life
means nurturing the spirit to be healthy, forgiving and loving based on a balance of body,
mind and spirit. An investment in faith and in God reaps the greatest rewards.
The real game of life has ever-changing foundations and bumpy roads requiring us to
rise up to meet each new challenge through self-awareness, continued learning, and lasting
memories. The real game of life is composed of risks, decisions, and opportunities. To
"win" we must be open-minded, less judgmental, and critical of others.
Never accept a situation at face value
Chad's death taught me to never accept a situation at face value. There are stories and
emotions that run far deeper than we can imagine. Unless I've lived a person's pain, I
cannot know their inner turmoil. While suicide harms lives other than the person who made
the choice, that person only sees his/her decision as one that may also alleviate other
people's pain.
We, as a family, enjoyed the fruits of God's love. We had many beautiful years together
that will always be cherished. We laughed. We cried together. We hugged. And we prayed.
Chad believed in Jesus Christ and took him as his Savior. And I know, undoubtedly that God
welcomed him home.
I didn't have to forgive Chad because, in my eyes, he didn't do anything wrong. Only
Chad knew the depth of his pain. Apparently, his pain was so great that there was no
alternative. I accept that I could not alter his choice. And the mystery of his death,
questions with no answers, has taught me to show sympathy in all situations. Because I do
not know why people make the choices they do. I value the real game of life.
Tallying the score
When the Game of Life is over, it doesn't really matter how much money we made, how
well-known we've become, or how many "toys" we've accumulated. The investment in
intangible things is far greater than any other. These are other lessons I've learned from
my son's death.
While I don't condone suicide, I will not condemn those who made the choice whether
willingly, planned, or from their unbearable pain. I look twice at every situation now and
wonder, "What would I have done if I walked in their shoes?"
I honor the victim's pain. I respect their thoughtless decision knowing that I will not
judge. I tremble in the wake of the survivors who wear a cloak of shame knowing I wore one
too. It is only now that I can cast my cloak aside and challenge those who silently judge
me "to cast the first stone."
I am where I am in the Game of Life today, because I refuse to lose! I am humbled by
the bumps in the road. I am weathered by the storms of change. I pray for strength and
perseverance for all of my days. I pray that I may have choices and choose wisely.
I am spiritually lifted by small moments of triumph and God's small miracles everyday.
I play more seriously. I invest more wisely in relationships, people, and moments. I
depend upon prayer. I hold onto family values. I value friends. I savor each day knowing
that life is short. This Game is one "for keeps.". It's real! And sometimes you
don't get second chances.
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