|
My life was changing again. Changes I didn't like. Changes I didn't want to face.
Changes I was feeling I couldn't handle. Once was enough. I couldn't bear another loss.
This couldn't be happening. Not to me! The words echoed in my mind. I could feel the
tension building inside- my heart beat rapidly. The heat arose to my face; and I felt as
though I wanted to scream! My mind raced and the internal voice coached, "Nan, you
can handle this. You've been through this before. Get a grip."
I heard the familiar comments. "You'll be all right." "You are a
survivor." "You are strong." God wouldn't give you more than you can
handle." "You've been through worse!" Why didn't these words give me
consolation?
I felt the familiar reactions from my "friends." Isolation. They couldn't
meet my eyes, IF they spoke to me at all. They didn't know what to say so they avoided me
the best they could. I recognized the actions; the actions of people who couldn't handle
my grief.
People who felt if they rubbed shoulders with me, my "bad luck" might rub off
on them. "How many times, Lord?" I asked myself. "Why do I have to go
through this again?" I was feeling sorry for myself. I knew that. I wanted someone to
blame. I wanted to get tough with God; show Him my anger. Make Him feel badly that I was
put in this spot again. "How silly," I reasoned. "It isn't God's fault. And
it certainly isn't mine. Sometimes tough times just happen. Keep the faith. Even when it's
tough, believe." Oh, how I needed the courage to do that right now!
This time, this pain and this loss was not the loss of someone loved, but rather the
loss of something much more temporal-loss of a job. And this was a cause to grieve. The
corporate world has changed. Restructuring and downsizing has caused thousands of people
loss of jobs. This was my fourth time in the same situation and it didn't make it easier.
If we choose to work, we often identify ourselves by the jobs that we hold. They are an
important part of us. When we lose that job, we lose a sense of identity. We may feel that
we've screwed up. We've failed in society's eyes. Much like other realities in life, a
sense of loss is experienced when the job "security blanket" is dragged
unceremoniously from beneath you. And leaves you with nothing to cling to.
I quickly reasoned that I deserved to feel personally inept. I wanted nothing more than
to clutch my security blanket tightly around me and shut out the echoes of a familiar
scene: job searching, job transition, loss of wages, loss of identity, and fear. Fear of
the unknown. Fear for the future. The fear of my own adequacy to handle the situation. It
brought back all the "fears" of grief-grief experienced by death.
When we hear the word grieve, we think that someone is grieving the loss of a loved
one. We exclude the other situations in life that cause pain, self-doubt, and emotional
upheaval, and even physical problems. These other situations are often just as
life-changing as the death of a loved one. This does not diminish the impact of the death
of someone loved. Instead, it becomes a point of reality. As humans, sometimes the heart
is broken, or at least wounded by many different situations in life each affecting the
core of our spirit differently and causing different outcomes.
The irony of the past few days made me pause for thought and write this entry in my
journal.
I thought about all the losses that we can feel in a life time. Some just "speed
bumps in the road" (as my husband always reminds me. A clue to slow down.) Other
losses are major, crippling events requiring significant work to resolve and set ourselves
back on normal pathways again. Curiously, some people face more "speed bumps"
than others. I certainly can say that I've never figured that out.
This time a familiar feeling gave me the sense to look around at other people's losses
even though I was struggling with my own. I discovered that I wasn't alone. My loss was
mine, but other people hurt in different ways. My visualization made me very sensitive to
loss of all kinds and all proportions.
Loss of purpose and future
While I was struggling with the loss of my job, my husband's parents were struggling
with a different kind of loss. Married nearly 61 years and facing eighty plus years of
age, they decided it was time to move to an apartment in town where services were more
accessible, driving was minimal, and the days of endless work could come to a halt. It was
a good decision but one of substantial loss. A household of accumulated items with
extrinsic value needed to be let go. Memories in things such as furniture, pictures, and
places. Favorite things.
Even though this was a "choice" for the good, it doesn't mean that there was
not a reason to grieve. Entering the elderly phase of life presents challenges and fears
that we are often unwilling to accept. We face scary questions about what the future
holds.
Loss of home and personal possessions
Though my husband's parents made a choice to give up their home, others around the
nation had no choice. Their homes and all their personal possession were destroyed by
floods, tornadoes, and fires whipping through the nation leaving a path of destruction and
shattered lives. Call it a natural disaster, if you like, but there is nothing comforting
in that cliche. Rebuilding a lifetime of accumulations will be the easy part. The
devastation and sense of personal invasion is most damaging. It's difficult to ever feel
safe again.
Loss of physical well-being
Every loss pales in comparison to the loss of physical wellness. In the past few
months, I've watched a vibrant, spiritual woman, my cousin, slowly fade from daily
activity due to the affects of cancer. For six years, she battled the disease, always
rallying around to inspire us with her positive attitude and faith. Making us believe that
cancer is "beatable."
And then we've watch "gramps," our own father, whose memory is afflicted by
the affects of aging and dementia. We watch as he struggles to piece together what he did
today and remember yesterday. He is plagued by his inability to remember even small pieces
of his life-long trade as a carpenter. Physical deterioration is a cause to grief.
Loss of relationships
Relationships in our lives change from time to time. And often they leave behind a
little or a lot of pain. Divorce or death is a lonesome path to travel. Separated
families, single-parent situations,or relationships strained by the inability to
"get-along" create losses complicated by guilt, "if only's" and loss
of self esteem.
Following this path on my journey through grief, I've discovered something more. It's
not a new discovery, but one that I've opened my eyes to now with greater knowledge than
ever before. We set up a pattern in our life of how we respond to loss-whatever kind of
loss it is. It is inevitable that we will experience losses of all proportions; and how we
react to each one tells a lot about how we will react to the next.
I'm by no means an authority on handling loss, but I have noticed there are some things
that I've resorted to each time I've been put in the situation. It's my pattern for
handling my sorrow and gaining the mobility to move forward again. I think others might
find a similar recognition.
- Have a good cry! You deserve it.
First . . . and foremost! Have a good cry! When you've been hurt by life, by people, or by
events, there is nothing more cleansing than a good cry. It isn't worth the effort to hold
back your pain. There is no need to pretend that you are unaffected by this loss. If you
are affected, let your feelings burst forth. Have a good cry!
- Surround yourself with real friends.
It's surprising who the real friends are. Sometimes the ones you thought would be there
immediately can't share your pain. They vanish when you need them most. My spouse is my
best friend; and I knew he would be there for me no matter what. But other worthy,
wonderful friends were there to support me, too. They stepped forward and acknowledged my
feelings even though there was nothing they could really do about it. Some expressed
sincere sympathy. Some felt my pain; and some were just there to encourage me. Oh how I
needed that!
It wasn't a surprise to see that those who were there for me when Chad died were the same
ones who were there for me this time. You discover very quickly who your friends are when
life hurts.
- Handle it with prayer.
Some things just aren't meant to be handled alone. And even all the support you have may
not provide the comfort that you really need to understand why this happened to you. I've
found taking my problems to God is the most reassuring way I know to lighten the burden
that makes my heart heavy. I've found that I have to be open to God-and His plan for me.
My prayers aren't always asking for things to be resolved the way I think I'd like them to
turn out. I'm learning to ask, instead, for God to help me accept the change and help me
to see options.
- Muster up pride and a positive attitude.
This is the hardest behavior of all to manage when life has gotten you down. I find that
one moment I could be positive and the next I would be devastated. My emotions moved like
a roller coaster and I waited for the exhilarating ride to be over.
I needed a few people, trusted friends, that I could voice my self doubts to and my
negative feelings. Someone who would just listen and not judge. Then I could move on with
more positive actions.
Keeping myself positive means "self coaching." Everyday I'd tell myself that I
could make something positive out of this experience or fail miserably. I remembered when
Chad died, I refused to let it consume me. I didn't want it to destroy my life. So I vowed
to have this circumstance teach me how to make a difference.
- Be thankful for the things (though they may be small) that remained unchanged in
spite of this new trauma in your life.
Value those things that are constant in your life today. Be thankful for lasting
relationships. Be thankful for those who accept your emotions, your doubts and your pain.
Lean on them for support. Be thankful for those things that give you security in the mist
of insecure times. For every person that will be different. (I'm thankful for the security
of my home, my family. For someone facing loss by natural disaster things that help them
feel secure may be much different i.e. good insurance, neighbors, their church.)
- Look for open doors.
Sometimes we are so blinded by our own anger, pain, or unwillingness to change that we
don't see the "new doors" opening. We've all heard the cliche, "When one
door closes, another opens." I believe that is true; but sometimes we just aren't
willing to turn the handle.
I've found my greatest response, once I've accepted that I can't change what has happened,
is to say to myself . . . "Okay, what next. If this has to be; it has to be. What am
I going to do about it that will move me from self pity to worthiness."
It's so easy to think, "What good could come from this loss?" Yet every day we
hear stories of people who have overcome physical, mental and emotional battles to achieve
against all odds. Often those people hurt become the founders of organizations that
support other people in similar circumstances; discover medical "miracles" that
change lives; and literally change history to prevent another occurrence.
- Have faith and believe in yourself.
A friend gave me a plaque for Christmas last year with this verse:
"When you've come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step
off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen.
There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."
She must have been preparing me for this unexpected moment in my life. Knowing God is
good. And having faith is even better. I believe that this incident at this time in my
life has some purpose.
I do know that once AGAIN, I've come to the edge. And it was easier for me, this time, to
step off into the darkness because of faith. Yes, it's a daily struggle to keep myself
motivated. To remind myself of my own self-worth. To encourage myself to seek options and
make good choices. And to accept that there are some things I can't control. Losing my job
was one of these times. The key is to move forward and never look back.
- Remember this humbling experience and its profound effect.
There are so many experiences in my life that have given me lessons in humility. I've come
to understand that self-centered pride is, perhaps, the greatest flaw of all. I am humbled
by this experience and many others. Such humility helps me honor the feelings and emotions
of others. It will have a profound affect on my relationships and my future. Experience is
a hard teacher.
This loss, like the death of my son, my parents, my friend, and my sister-in law all
remind me that life is fragile. Losing a job, losing someone loved to death, losing a
home, losing physical capabilities, losing a meaningful relationship and more-are all a
cause to grieve. It is through loss that we see life for what it is. It is through loss
that we set a pattern to become survivors. It is through loss that we can seek and find
new purpose.
The next time your friend or neighbor is hurting, consider that they may be grieving
something very personal. Something that may not be explainable to others or may not seem
significant to others. We each have things in our life we treasure.We each determine the
amount of value that we place on those things-whether it is personal possessions, physical
health, our soul mate and family, or our job. What I value may differ from you. That's
what makes us unique. When I have lost that "valuable" in my life, I will
grieve.
June 15, 1998
|
